Olivia R. November 14, 2019
League of Legends fans began to panic when they saw a blog post written by former EU LCS pro Lâm "k0u" Tịnh Trì entitled, "My Reality, My Thoughts."
In it, k0u wrote that anyone reading the post should know he is "no longer in this world." He stated the blog post is a "dive into my mind during my last moments."
One of k0u's former Riddle Esports teammates, Noman "Nomi" Ahmad, stated on Twitter that k0u is alive, but suggested that he had attempted suicide.
"Regarding the k0u situation, he is okay and is currently at the hospital in recovery. A lot of people have already read his attempt on suicide but I can assure you that he is alive. Hope this reaches out to everyone who has read about it," Nomi tweeted.
Many fans expressed relief over the news and came together on Reddit to offer him support.
k0u became a professional League of Legends player in 2013 and competed in the EU Challenger Series and EU LCS from 2013 to 2016. Though he frequently switched teams during his career, he played with some of the biggest organizations in European LoL at the time, including Cloud9 Eclipse, Ninjas in Pyjamas, and Gamers2, which eventually rebranded as G2 Esports.
He most recently competed with Riddle Esports in the Norwegian Esports League.
k0u's message describes depression, suicidial thoughts
k0u's dark blog post began with him admitting that he often questions why he exists. He quickly concluded that there is no purpose and is no deeper meaning behind it. He told readers that life is something you shape with your own decisions and actions, or it's something you end.
"Your origin is meaningless when it comes to life. It's just like how the journey is more important than the destination. The direction is more important than the origin," he explained.
k0u admitted that he felt he was losing his battle with depression. He felt the mental illness was "ruining" him, and felt pressured by society to reach out to someone about his feelings. Instead, k0u wanted to face his depression on his own, since "leaning on someone" was just a "temporary fix."
Although k0u informed readers that reaching out for help isn't wrong to do, it seemed as though k0u himself had felt talking to his friends and family only made it worse for him. This is a common thought depressed people have, feeling as though they are only bothering people when they confide in them.
But k0u also felt that nobody could completely understand how he was feeling.
"Never ever tell someone to 'hang in there, everything will be fine. It's all gonna be okay, time will erode it away. Life gets better,'" k0u said. "I know you want that person to get better, I know you care, I know you want to help. However. You are in fact making it way worse, complete stupidity."
k0u said the pain he felt had "completely broken" him as a person, and all he was left with was loneliness and despair. He claimed his only answer to that feeling was to end his life.
k0u admitted that a curiosity about his future made him hold on for a while, but soon even that wasn't enough to stop him from thinking about death looming just ahead of him. k0u then wished his family and friends well, urging them to live on. He admitted that he hoped his mother would never read the post.
Once his post started gaining traction online, k0u commented on the blog himself.
"Kenneth Dawnix here sadly. Life was playing a joke on me so I ended up surviving the first attempt," he said.
He then invited the readers to reach out to him if they wanted to discuss what he'd written. k0u also invited fans to connect with him on Twitter, saying he can "be reasoned with."
Mental health is a very big concern in the esports industry. It's been at the forefront of many discussions, especially as players in the Overwatch League continued to retire early due to exhaustion and mental illness. Dallas Fuel's Hyeon "EFFECT" Hwang retired in April, citing mental struggles.
If you are struggling with your own feelings of depression or suicidal thoughts, please ask for help: 1-800-273-TALK.